Perplexed feelings.

I'm revising for my upcoming physiology exam in my room. The light should be on, but I've put the lamp on dim, and kept the balcony door open. It's mildly breezy and quite chilly actually - but most definitely refreshing.

I'm in a peculiar mood. It could be considered feeling mellow and chilled, or completely jaded. I'm not particulary sure. Or it could just simply be the cause of finding repetitive, daily tasks completely mundane. Ha. That's just the way I'm feeling right about now, an odd fusion of emotions.

I do love learning about biology and such and such. But today. Today, is just not the day. I feel to just push everything aside and BREATHE. Does that sound weird? Well I don't give a monkeys how it sounds. This blog is meant for me to update all my feelings and experiences whilst studying, and this is one of them.

You know what I feel to do? Stay awake until sunrise and just walk along Roundwood park and pelt bread pieces at the birds, breathe in fresh, smooth, dawn air. You know it's funny, my dad never failed to horde loafs of breads to every park we visited. Even though I have now just realised, dad was breaking the law and that it's illegal to feed the birds and ducks lol.

I have been really missing him today... more than is humanly possible.

I've only been to roundwood park thrice since dad passed away. The previous occasions I have done so, I feel overwhelmed with emptiness and sorrowful nostalgia returns. Every inch of that park has reoccurring memories. Fond, blissful memories. When I think of the future and the endless places I want to take my kids, this is always the first to sway at the top of the hierarchy. I hope to take my kids every weekend, just like my dad did with us. Definitely something I shall be doing, hopefully.

I don't know why I'm even talking about this. I wish I had something profound, or poignant to say. Perhaps even an anecdote to convey how 'one should refrain from being slumped with grief, with the loss of a loved one'. But I don't. The only thing I have to say is, with him gone, my life has changed - and I will forever try to bring about optimism and live life the way he would have wanted us to live it by. Life can make that a difficult statement to follow through with. But I will do it.

Once these exams are over with, I can then fully relax. And I have also made a promise to myself, to revisit that park soon inshallah. Yeah... I might just do that. Perhaps I just need to delve in the happiness endowed from the lovely memories associated it and just let it be. Maybe by trying to do these little things, it will help me get by, even on the most dreary looking days. :)

I was feeling blue whilst studying. But I vented and I feel better and lighter. Hey, my uni was right. This blog shenanigans does really work.

Well love, peace & productivity people